5 common & unhealthy ways to measure self worth

Building Self Esteem is a Process..

Have you ever been told that you are too sensitive? Do you fall hard and fast into relationships only to eventually get hurt? Do you feel like you have so much love to give but no one ever appreciates it, or the just ends up taking advantage of you?

I can tell you I totally understand how you feel! My whole life I was told I was too sensitive and that I didn’t need to take things so personally. And I’ve been taken advantage of enough times to tell you, I played my part!

I didn’t value myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of friendships unless I proved myself somehow. I put my all into relationships without stopping to take care of and love MYSELF, and at times even think for myself.

I couldn’t see my own worth.

It took time, effort, and hard work but eventually I built my self esteem up, and was able to see my worth and that it didn’t come from other people or things.

For me, my worth comes from within me and my relationship with God. I am worthy because he made me and that’s all that I need. 

How do you measure your self worth?

According to an article on PsychologyToday.com here are a few common, but unhealthy ways to measure your self worth.

  1. How You Look — Looks don’t last forever!! And what is beauty? Every single one of us has a different definition for beauty so why even bother? A number on the scale doesn’t define you, nor do the amount of likes you get on a selfie. 
  2. Material Possessions — Will you ever feel valuable enough? When will it be enough? What if you lose it? Things hold monetary value but they do not affect your self worth.
  3. Your Relationships — Feeling important and popular may feel good short term but in the long run these do not make you more worthy. Your romantic relationships will not make you valuable. You do not need anyone else to give you value or worth.
  4. What you do — Building your worth on the foundation of your career is risky, what happens if you lose your job, or when you retire? You do not have to have an “important” job title to be valuable.
  5. Your Successes— Your achievements and successes do not make you valuable and your mistakes do not make you a failure. It’s okay to be proud of a win but it’s a totally different thing to base your self esteem on it. 
Hillary Montijo The Smart Lioness
It was a long road to get to where I am today but I wouldn’t trade any of it, because I wouldn’t be where I am today without it!

Know yourself. Love Yourself. Be Yourself. That’s my motto. When you truly know yourself, you can truly love yourself. And when you truly love yourself, you can truly be yourself. 

5 Common & Unhealthy Ways to Measure your Self Worth
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Are you ready to work on building your self esteem? All you need to do is take baby steps. Try out my Free 5 Step Guide to Higher Unconditional Self Esteem– Click Here to get started – Self Esteem Queen

Mistress May and Master Carter

A Netflix Show Review: Bonding

In short, I LOVED IT!

Mistress May and Master Carter from Netflix's Bonding
Mistress May & Master Carter

Bonding is a “dark comedy” with just 7 episodes currently on Netflix. Brendan Scannell plays Pete aka Master Carter and is one of the main characters, and who we meet first. I fell in love with Pete within the first five seconds of the show! He is adorable and just has that quality about him that makes you love him immediately.

Zoe Levin plays Tiffany aka Mistress May, and she is Pete’s high school best friend who works as a Dominatrix by night and attends graduate school for psychology during the day! I have to say a was drawn to her character for multiple reasons but one of them being of course, because we have the graduate school thing in common.. except I went for Clinical Mental Health not Psychology. But I love Tiff’s/Mistress May’s confidence and passion for what she believes in as well.

The show begins with Pete going to visit Tiff for the first time while she’s at work because she has offered him a position as her assistant and he is in serious need of some cash!

FAIR WARNING! This show IS about a dominatrix so there ARE some pretty intense scenes. With that being said, there is no nudity.

I loved this show for so many reasons though! First, it was pretty shocking and scandalous, but in the best ways possible! If you can’t handle sex scenes, this show probably isn’t for you!

At one part in the series the two friends are talking to each other:

“You made my heart cum”

“I made your soul giz” (This had me dying!!)

But my favorite thing about the show is Mistress May. I LOVE this girl’s commanding confidence!! Plus she stands up to a “bully” and does what needs to so often be done. (No spoilers here!)

And lastly, but certainly not least, I loved how Mistress May/the show explored the topic of practicing healthy BDSM and the potential benefits of doing so. Tiff explains it as, a “full service fantasy provider” where her clients can get “liberation from shame.” This isn’t a topic that I know much about but now am curious and find myself doing more research about it.

I recently learned that the show’s creator, Rightor Doyle based the series on his own life. When he was 22, gay, and a recent college grad, he worked with a high school friend of his that was a dominatrix. You can read more about him and the show here.

Bonding

SO, if you are looking for a good laugh, a little shock, and a lot of good vibes, you should definitely check out Bonding on Netflix ASAP!!

Have you seen it yet? Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

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The Pros & Cons of Journaling

Woman sitting outside journaling in a notebook
Getting some journaling time in!

Several months ago I posted about how I changed the way I journal to make it more enjoyable and meaningful. You can find that post here.

Today I want to talk about the Benefits and Downfalls of Journaling. According to an article on PsychologyToday.com, “Outcome research on the benefits of journaling shows mixed results. Sometimes keeping a journal of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences helps, but often it makes things worse. In general it is likely to hurt if it tries to help you “know yourself” in isolation and helps if it leads to greater understanding and behavior change in your interactions with others.”

“Know yourself in isolation” is an interesting way to describe it, I think. But I think it means that failing to connect with other people, and get feedback etc, is important as well. If you only look to yourself for improvement, solutions, and opportunities for growth, you’re missing out on a whole lot!

The article goes on to give a list of benefits and drawbacks of journaling according to research:

Journaling can have a positive effect on your behavior and well being if it:

  • Makes you step back and evaluate your thoughts, emotions, and behavior
  • Explores solutions
  • Brings your emotions and motivations into alignment with your deepest values
  • Converts negative energy into positive creativity and growth
  • Lowers your emotional reactivity to others
  • Increases tolerance of ambiguity, ambivalence, and unpredictability, which are part of normal living
  • Helps you see other people’s perspectives alongside your own
  • Makes you feel more humane
  • Helps you take a definite course of action.

Journaling can have a negative effect on your behavior and well being if it:

  • Makes you live too much in your head
  • Makes you a passive observer of your life (thinking about how you’ll record it instead of experiencing what is happening)
  • Makes you self-obsessed
  • Becomes a vehicle of blame instead of solutions
  • Wallows in negative things that have happened to you.

Sticking to writing in a journal can be really difficult too, which is why you need to make it enjoyable, and a part of your daily routine. My friends and I were talking about journaling this past weekend, and it came up that sometimes it can be hard to know what to write about. Especially if you are writing everyday! So one of my friends told us that he Grandmother always kept a journal and once told her, “If you don’t know what to say, just write about the weather.” You know what the weather was like so you really don’t have to think about what to say, you can just write it. And if nothing else flows out after that, then maybe that’s enough some days.

I really loved that idea. It gives you a way to stay accountable in a way, because you don’t ever have the excuse that you don’t know what to write.

I think another good rule for journaling is that if you only do one sentence on the days you have trouble figuring out what to write, that’s ok too. Sometimes I even will write down a quote that I really like when I have nothing else to write.

It’s important to remember that journaling is for YOU. Drop whatever preconceived ideas or beliefs about journaling that you have and create new ones! There are no RULES! You get to make up your own!

Do you journal?

Tell me in the comments– Do you journal? If yes, how do you make it enjoyable for yourself? Do you draw pictures? Make lists? Tell me everything!

FREEBIE!!

List of twenty Journal Prompts
20 FREE Journal Therapy Prompts

Interested in trying out my online journaling program? Let me know your email address in the comments or message me on Facebook, and I will send you more information.

Source: The Good and the Bad of Journaling: Use it as a tool to improve or appreciate, Steven Stosny, Ph.D., Psychology Today

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Unapologetically Me: Fearless & Flawed

Women and worthiness is one of my hot button topics. I can get really “passionate” when it comes to any debate on this topic, ask any of my close friends. But I get passionate because it’s important to me and it’s important because I used to not be able to see my own worth. I didn’t believe that we can determine our own worth. I was looking to every other resource but myself.

Want to know what made the light bulb come on above my head? A book I read called, The Shack by William P. Young. This book completely changed my view of myself, of God, and just about everything else. This book caused me to start to work on the spiritual part of myself and it lead me to my undergraduate internship at a church working with porn and sex addictions counseling. This internship changed my life for multiple reasons— my supervisor was one of those rare gems of a person who motivated me to dig deep, and to get outside my comfort zone. He was open minded, full of knowledge, good advice, and just the right amount of humor. And he taught me SO much more than I could have ever expected to get out of that experience.

The Shack was just the first step that lead to a domino effect in my life. Once I accepted that I hold the power of my worth everything changed for me.

The Shack book by William P. Young

But it wasn’t just accepting my power it was also a result of my effort to learn more about myself, to see where I was getting in my own way. I learned how I could feel even better by identifying all of the ways my own thinking and way of processing things was flawed. For example, I learned that I am really bad about “predicting” what people are going to think or say and I almost always was predicting negative outcomes. Which just isn’t realistic and neither is thinking that I know how people are going to respond to me in every situation or circumstance. Changing my thinking was a large part of what helped me become a healthier and happier person.

I also learned about boundaries and why they are important and necessary for life and relationships and for taking care of me! I learned the difference between a “safe” and an “unsafe” person and how to protect myself from toxic people who aren’t good for me.

But the most important thing here is that my passion for helping women to see their value comes from an honest place of understanding what it’s like to not be able to see my own value. And it’s also why I think it’s so important for women who are feeling shitty about themselves or doubting their worth, or if they can’t see it at all, or if they are just around people who constantly make them doubt who they are— to make the commitment to focus on themselves.

That’s why I created Unapologetically Me: Fearless & Flawed — which is a 12 week program focused on realizing your worth, building confidence, and understanding how your own thought processes are holding you back and causing you to fail.

Each week is focused on a different topic, for example, “self defeating beliefs” is one topic I Cover where participants will learn what self defeating beliefs are, and then will get a list of common self defeating beliefs to help them identify which self defeating beliefs they might have. Next, participants are given worksheets and exercises to help them change those beliefs to more realistic and healthy beliefs. Lastly, participants are given questions to help them reflect on what they have learned.

In addition, participants will be added to a small, secret Facebook group to discuss progress, problems, successes, etc each week. Plus I will be doing once a week group calls through Zoom to provide more support throughout the program. If you prefer to not work in a group and would rather work one on one, that is also an option, but there is limited availability. So email me ASAP if you are interested at thesmartlioness@gmail.com

I know that my course will help women because these exact tools helped me. I have always had a fear of public speaking, like a lot of people do. In college it took me three attempts at taking my public speaking class before I didn’t give up and drop it, because I was so terrified to have to give speeches in front of the class!

Fast forward several years, after I have done all of this work on myself (and continue to do), and I graduate from Graduate School with my masters in Clinical Mental Health. And then I find a job as a college psychology professor. I CANNOT tell you how nervous I was my first day of class! It was bad! My whole first semester of teaching was pretty difficult for me, mainly because of my fears, and my anxiety! BUT! I kept going, I kept teaching & showing up and I kept getting better, and less nervous each time. I stayed positive, and tried to be prepared, and I used the coping skills I learned in my personal development to keep myself from going insane or having a total meltdown!

Five years later I’m still teaching psychology and I love my job! Every new semester that begins I still get a little nervous on the first day but as soon as I get into class and see how nervous the students are as well, it relaxes me and reminds me, Nobody is perfect and who cares if I mess something up!

Now teaching has really become a place where I’m able to be who I truly am, believe it or not. I’m not a strict teacher at all, I like to laugh, be my goofy self, and sometimes I even sing! Which I never thought I would be comfortable or confident enough to do in front of anyone ever! But I’ve totally allowed myself to relax, let go, and whenever my inner critic starts up, I fight back!

I can’t express to you how important it is to work on you, that inner critic, and whatever it is that holds you back. If you don’t know what’s holding you back, what better reason do you have than to start trying to figure that out right now? You never know what that could mean for you. If I can face and conquer my fear of public speaking, You can overcome your fears too, and I can give you the tools to do that. Hell you could end up doing the one thing you were the most scared to do, and you could end up loving it!

Unapologetically Me: Fearless & Flawed gets started on June 3rd — Early Registration is open now!! Sign up with this link!

Feeling inspired and want to get to work now?? Do my free Dare to Roar Challenge to get a small taste of what to expect in June! Use this link to get started! http://bit.ly/2OMg7Ae

FREE 3 Day Simple Self Confidence Booster

Confidence Booster

Earlier this week I did a FREE 3 day confidence boosting activity in my good friend Saje’s Facebook Group hand in my stories on Instagram. It was a super simple, yet effective way of giving ourselves a little boost of confidence that sometimes, we could all use.

I know I have my times when I don’t feel 100% about myself for whatever reason.. or maybe for no reason at all! And need a little something to bring back my awareness to how I’m feeling about myself.

So I decided to share this booster here I’ve used in case you didn’t get to participate when it was happening elsewhere! I hope that it is as helpful for you as it is me!

And on a side note, if you look at the tasks and think, “this won’t work!” I get it! But what do you have to lose? You could at least just try it and see what happens! AND as with anything else that you want to produce change with, you have to be all in! YOU WILL ONLY GET OUT WHAT YOU PUT INTO! In other words, if you half ass it, you won’t get anything out of it. BUT, if you whole ass it, you just might get something out of it!

You have the power to make changes and to spark growth in yourself. I can give you all the tools in my tool bag but if you don’t use them, there’s nothing I or anyone else can do for you.

Take control and do something about your lack of happiness, self esteem, confidence, whatever it is that you are lacking. Im giving you a tool to take one teeny tiny step forward. TAKE IT!

Now let’s get on to the good stuff! Here are the tasks you will need to complete for 3 consecutive days!

day 1 confidence booster activity

If you do decide to try it out I would love to know your progress and how you do with each task! So with each day I’ll ask you a question or two and you can send me your answers on social media (Instagram, or Facebook, or Twitter) through email (thesmartlioness@gmail.com), or just comment them below!

For the first task, write something positive about yourself on a post it or something similar. Then put it somewhere you will see it often throughout the day today. Read it every time you see it, reading it out loud is even better!!

Day 1: What was your statement about yourself?

day 2 confidence boost activity

For this task you can put your statement up at work somewhere it will be seen, or on your refrigerator at home (as long as other people will see it), anywhere other people are going to be able to see it!

Day 2: Where did you post it? Did you get any comments about it? What were the comments

day 3 confidence booster

This time you’re going to write a positive statement/message about someone else & then give it to them. It can be a friend, a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, coworker, parent, etc.

Day 3: What did you write? What was the person’s reaction?

Repeating things over and over creates new neural pathways in your brain, in other words, you start to embody and believe these statements you are repeating. In the same way a person can be emotionally abused and begin to believe the hurtful statements their abuser makes, we can also do the reverse.

And when we connect with and feel empathy for others it gives us a feeling of security and in turn, confidence in ourselves.

After your 3rd day of the Booster, how are you feeling? Did you have a good experience? How did it feel to give someone else a positive message? Was this difficult or easy for you to complete? Did this help your confidence?

Email me your experience: thesmartlioness@gmail.com

Confidence is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.
mommy and son

Top 4 YouTube Channels for Baby Brain Development

Top 4 YouTube Channels You Need to Be Following for Baby Brain Development

mommy and son

Me and Braden. He’s 7 months old now!

So I was going to post this for “Mommy Monday” this past Monday but #momlife got in the way and I wasn’t able to finish it until today! Better late than never right? Mommy Monday on Wednesday.. here we go!

I don’t really talk about development much here, I want to change that because it’s a huge interest/specialty of mine. My Bachelors degree is in Human Development & Family Studies. Here’s a snippet from Auburn’s (my Alma Mater) website:

“What makes a family work? How do children develop? What is a healthy marriage? What do teenagers need to succeed academically, personally, emotionally? These are some of the questions we strive to answer in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS). “

HDFS Mission:

“The mission of the Department of Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS) at Auburn University is to generate, disseminate, and apply scientific knowledge of human, family, and community development. We focus on understanding and supporting optimal development across the lifespan using multidisciplinary approaches and cutting edge methodologies. Our core areas include the intersections of individuals, families, and communities, with a special focus on relationships and the biopsychosocial underpinnings of healthy development and well-being. We are committed to creating and applying knowledge to prevention and intervention efforts with the goal of assisting individuals, families, and communities in reaching their full potential.

So anyway enough about that! On to the YouTube channels! (Side note: I’m not affiliated with or receiving any kind of payment for this post! I genuinely love these channels!)

1.) Hey Bear

“A stimulating world of high contrast scenes designed to engage & delight your baby. These videos are a great way to encourage eye coordination & focus in babies.”

Research has shown that baby’s brain is doing some major development during the first year of life. To encourage brain development we need to engage all of their senses.

This channel is for sure my favorite because they have tons of different videos to choose from so Baby doesn’t get bored and Mom doesn’t go crazy watching the same thing over and over!

2.) Tiny Adventures TV

“Visual and auditory stimulation for babies that can help calm, soothe, entertain as well as influence your child’s brain development.”

It’s really hard to rate these two as one being better than the other. They are similar in the content they provide but still give you and baby unique videos to learn from! This channel gives you different types of videos though– some that are high contrast and more stimulating and then others that are more soothing and relaxing. I like to turn on relaxing videos for Braden if– 1) I can’t find any other way to get him to stop crying (last resort) 2) In the morning when he wakes up and I’m fixing his breakfast and need him occupied for a minute or 3) when he wakes up from a nap and I need to finish whatever I was doing (probably laundry).

3.) Baby Einstein

“Experience the world of Baby Einstein & spark your baby’s curiosity through discovering language, exploring the arts, & embarking on adventures alongside wild animals. Nurture musical appreciation to the tunes of lullabies, nursery rhymes, & Baby Einstein classics like Baby Bach, Baby Mozart, Baby Noah, & Baby MacDonald. Need parenting inspiration? Take notes from DIY tutorials, monthly milestone videos, & families just like you.”

So I HAVE to first say that the whole claim about the Baby Einstein Videos causing baby to grow to be smarter has been proven to be false. (Click here for the info/research) But we also know that real human interaction is what does teach our children so as with most everything in life these videos are to be watched in moderation and to not be substituted for actual human interaction.

Otherwise these videos are very different than the previous two I discussed and just something different for baby to watch and you can get some ideas for different ways to interact with your baby from them.

4.) Sparkabilities

“Smart fun for babies and toddlers! You and your child can enjoy entertaining and educational clips of Sparkabilities.”

So this channel is just a preview of DVDs that you can order but it’s different and Braden seems to really like the videos when I show him these. They are different from all of the others I discussed though! They kind of combine them all though in that it’s high contrasting colors and shapes but add in the educational “this is a square,” and you get Sparkabilities!

As I said above it’s important to not rely on video too much for keeping your child occupied. It can be much easier for you right now but in the long run it’s not going to be worth it! Your child much prefers interacting with you! However, in moderation these can be great for cognitive development by creating more pathways in the brain which in turn causes more neural connections which causes quicker responses in our brain.

One last bonus video my son absolutely loves: Click here 

cute baby boy & mommy

One more cuz’ he’s cute!

Emotionally Abused Women

Sunday I talked about emotional abuse and the effects it can have on us, without us even realizing it. In that post I also talked about the different categories or types of women that are or have been emotionally abused. And I want to reiterate of the importance of not labeling ourselves as one of these or multiple types because labels do no one any good. They are just simply to help you to see the types of behaviors and beliefs that are associated with emotional abuse. Everyone is different and so none of these are set in stone!

The first category is the “Selfless Woman.”

This woman has no concrete identity and a weak sense of self. She might have been kept from being able to form her own thoughts and perceptions at a young age. She sees herself negatively and feels empty frequently. She may also be depressed and feel helpless at times. She is usually sensitive to rejection and can be fear abandonment but also of being suffocated by someone. She will have issues maintaining healthy, stable relationships and might “take on” characteristics of a close friend or partner. (Think Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride) And she most likely pursues people who are not available. This woman doesn’t learn from her past mistakes and constantly feels victimized.

Some questions to ask yourself to decide if you fit into this category:

The Pleaser

The pleaser is a woman who is always trying to make everyone happy, she will seek peace at any price. She rarely feels she is worthy, appreciated, valued, or loved and feels she must earn acceptance and love. This woman wants everyone to like and approve of what she does and needs to be the “good girl.” She tends to believe that most people are better than her and often feels pressured to perform. She is a perfectionist, apologizes often, and will almost always take the blame. When she is treated poorly she will make excuses for others bad treatment or rationalize that things could be worse.

Some questions to ask yourself to decide if you fit into this category:

The Sinner

This woman is not unlike the pleaser. She has strong feelings of guilt and/or shame and has a tendency to blame herself because she feels responsible or like things are “her fault.” She constantly apologizes and obsesses over the “what if’s,” “should of’s,” and “would of’s.” She may also believe that she doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect or to be loved.

“Sinners” have a propensity to:

  • Get involved with those who are cruel, uncaring, and abusive
  • Suffer intense feelings of self loathing
  • Feel they must pay for their past sins/mistakes
  • Be overly self critical 
  • Always blames themselves for anything that goes wrong

The CoDependent 

The Codependent woman has a pattern of getting involved with people whom she tries to “help,” take care of, or rescue and lives her life for other people. She anticipates other people’s needs and wonders why they don’t do the same thing for her. Often she will find herself doing more than her fair share of work in her different relationships. (friends, family, romantic partner, coworkers) If people don’t do what she wants, she feels victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used. She has low self esteem and only feels worthy when she is giving to others and likes to feel like a hero. This woman doesn’t feel like she is enough just as she is, feels she must be dependable, and is constantly trying to prove that she is good enough. She does not feel happy with herself so she feels she has go to outside sources to feel happy.

She has trouble asserting herself and getting her own needs, and wants met. She also struggles with expressing her emotions and feelings openly and honestly especially if she feels hurt. She tends to believe lies from people who have given her plenty of reasons not to trust them but she blames others for her unhappiness. She tries to control other people with coercion, threats, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, and domination. She feels afraid to let herself be who she truly is and can appear rigid and controlled.

The Drama Junkie

The Drama Junkie has a lot in common with the CoDependent. They tend to be adrenaline junkies, and can often be depressed or anxious when life is stable and/or uneventful. She is attracted to people who are distant, or hard to reach– someone they can’t be too sure of.

Some questions to ask yourself to decide if you fit into this category:

Victim or Martyr

The woman who is the victim/martyr sees life as a series of problems to survive and obstacles to overcome. She has a pessimistic outlook on life and has one bad thing after another happen to her. She sees herself as a victim and she sacrifices her own health, happiness, and well being for others.

Some questions to ask yourself to decide if you fit into this category:

Again, it is important to be aware of these characteristics in yourself so that you can recognize the roots of the problems, and it will help you to understand why you have a tendency to choose a particular type of abusive person. It can also help you recognize how and why you allow others to abuse you as well as help you to identify they type of emotionally abused person that you are and can help you to focus on what you need to work on. 

If you relate to any of these categories you will probably relate to more than one, which is normal! BUT you probably will see ONE of the categories as the MOST like you. Either way, bringing your awareness to this will help you to grow in the future. 

If you have ANY questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me on Facebook or Instagram or leave a comment below! 

Source: The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself, Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.

Not good enough quote

Don’t Get Stuck in the “Less Than” Mindset

I think we have all had a moment or experience where we have felt like we are “less than” other people in our lives and that’s ok as long as we don’t get stuck in that mindset. .

If we do get stuck in this mindset it spills out into every other part of our lives. You might have trouble standing up for yourself, or feel hopeless, or are becoming increasingly critical on yourself. You might choose to befriend or fall in love with the WRONG people.
.
And even though you have tried, you just can’t figure out what you’re doing wrong.
You may be suffering but can’t figure out what is causing it. And you might be dealing with one or all of the following issues:

  • depression
  • lack of motivation
  • confusion
  • difficultly concentrating or making decisions
  • feelings of failure or worthlessness
  • low self esteem
  • Self blame
    Self destructiveness

And I can understand and relate to your pain, I was emotionally abused too. And now I’m stronger for it and you can be too. You just have to deal with it and work on you and I can help!

As you very well know, we are all unique and we all have our own journeys we’re going on. And the last thing I want to do or suggest is that we should assign labels to ourselves because I completely disagree with that. BUT as it relates to emotional abuse I do think it’s important to talk about the different types of emotionally abused women.

We must remember though that these are kind of like categories of types of women who are emotionally abused and that we only use categories to help us to organize general information so that it’s easier for us to understand. Furthermore, to heal we must first understand what hurt us, how we ended up getting hurt, why we got into the situation that hurt us, and then how to avoid getting hurt like this again in the future. The following is a list of the general types of emotionally abused women:

  • The Selfless woman
  • The Pleaser
  • The Sinner
  • The Codependent
  • The Drama Junkie
  • The Victim or Martyr

I will be doing a follow up post tomorrow with more information on each of the categories I discussed above, so make sure you check back to see that!

*If you have any questions please feel free to message me on Facebook or Instagram 

Source: The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself, Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.

Beer Fear & Cheer Podcast

So I did a thing..

Beer Fear and Cheer Podcast
Me and my Brother

 

So I did a thing and started a Podcast with my brother! I absolutely LOVE podcasts! You can find a list of my favorites here.

And since I got addicted to podcasts about a year or so ago I wanted to start my own, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted my podcast to be about! So I thought about it for a long time and finally came to a decision.

And I’m sure you’re thinking, “of course you would do a podcast on self love or mental health or something like that right?”

Actually, no. I decided I wanted this project to be one that is a form of self care for me. I want to talk about something I love, something I know, and something that will be beneficial for other people, even if it’s just for a laugh!

Thats why I decided on a true crime/comedy podcast! Now.. I know you’re thinking, “man that seems pretty off brand for you.” And yeah I guess you’re right! BUT my “brand” is being yourself and doing what makes you happy!

Why true crime/comedy?

Well I love true crime and I love psychology and I like to talk about both of them!

I chose to do this with my brother because we have always been super close and I think we’re hilarious together haha😁 But in all honesty, my brother Rich is a lot funnier than I am!

Beer Fear and Cheer Podcast Logo

So we named it Beer, Fear, & Cheer because we get together, drink some beer (or wine) and tell each other stories and try to make each other laugh. We talk about a true crime story, ghost stories, or a story that has to do with one of our fears– our last episode was based on one of my biggest fears which is the water or the ocean. And we discussed the true story behind the movie Open Water. Then when I’m done telling my story Rich tells a story that will make me (and the listener) laugh! We try to cover all of the bases! 😁

I have really enjoyed doing the podcast and I’m looking forward to doing more episodes this year. If true crime is your thing too I would love for you to check it out! Just click here to listen! If you don’t have Apple you can find us on Spotify or just about anywhere else you listen to podcasts! If you would also be so kind as to leave us a review we would both be SO grateful! It really helps us out when people leave us reviews! You can also like us/follow us on:

Facebook and join our Facebook group!!

& Twitter

If you have a ghost story or funny/embarrassing story you want to share, we will read it on the podcast in an upcoming episode! Just email it to us at beerfearandcheer@gmail.com We would love to hear from you!!

Enough about me! What is something you would like to do but you are hesitant because it’s not what everyone else thinks you should do. Tell me in the comments!

Mental Health: Beliefs & Emotions

 

Not very long ago I did a few posts on my Instagram about our beliefs and emotions and how the two are connected, and why being aware of them is so important. So I decided to do a blog post as well in case you missed those or want a little more information!

So first off….

Why do our beliefs about our emotions matter?

Well, what we believe about the things in our lives shapes how we perceive the different things in our lives. For example, your emotions. How do you feel about your emotions? If you believe emotions are too hard to deal with, what happens when you get angry?

You may let your anger get out of control and do something you might regret.

Even though you aren’t always consciously aware of your beliefs they still have an impact on your actions. They steer how we want to feel and the actions we take to deal with those feelings.

I used to believe that it was a bad thing to be sad. Now I know that it’s normal to be sad and as long as I’m acknowledging the feeling and then letting it go and not stewing in it. Since I now believe that sadness is normal and Ok, I’m better able to deal with it when it comes up.

Next…

How do our beliefs about our emotions affect our mental health?

Our beliefs affect our mental health through a process, most commonly through “emotion regulation.” Emotion regulation is our ability to deal with and react to an emotional situation.

So my belief that it’s bad to be sad or depressed is only going to make me feel worse when sadness comes up. But when I change my belief to it’s normal to be sad I can better manage my sadness.

One way to do that is by “down regulation” which is just consciously lessening the intensity of an emotion. You can do this by intentionally shifting your thoughts to something that makes you feel happier emotions. Essentially distracting your thoughts to something else. For example, your child or your dog or your significant other, maybe even a song!

This coping skill is something you can use to help you to be more mindful in your daily life. But for deeper issues you should definitely talk with someone!

How would you describe how you feel about emotions in one word? Tell me in the comments!

Finally…

Can we really control our emotions?

To be honest it’s more about experiencing our emotions naturally as they come and let them run their course. The difficult part is the balance act. It’s hard to just let an emotion come and go.

Think about it!

Especially if that emotion is hurt. Say you’re pissed because a friend left you out of an important event. It’s hard to not play the situation over and over in your head, essentially making things worse rather than just feeling the hurt, acknowledge it’s source and then let it go. Instead of trying to control our emotions we need to get better at accepting them.

But what we can change about our emotions is our beliefs about them.

What belief do you need to change?

Emotional Health for Women
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